comfortable

sleeping 12 hours straight without interuption never felt so good :)

i am a beast that cannot be controlled anymore. it's becoming so clear to me what needs to be done.

*last week in the cape*** piece of cake.

Has anyone ever tried dog before?

*WiReD*

back from foxwoods! happy birthday zid! how old are you again? haha, blackjack tables gave me a good butt kicking last night. nevertheless, definitely good times with my new york boys ...too bad i have no pics to prove it. anyway, got back to the cape at 6:30am, and i'm already back into circulation at 8:30am. i am very wired today... so don't fuck with me!

*current mood: feeling the effects of unsatisfactory sleep

1st attempt: FAIL

3 weeks gone without a cig... then 1 night i had a cig ... my head got dizzy and now im afraid im fucking hooked again!!!

i'm convinced the urge to smoke never goes away...

1st attempt (09/03/2008 ~09/25/2008): 22 days
lesson learned: cold turkey is hard but not impossible.

2nd attempt (date to be announced later): ???

*yea i know what you're thinking...weak sauce huh?

well, F U !

what i wouldnt give to smoke a delicious, mouth watering cigarette right now? just one juicy puff to calm me down... AHHH...

driving in circles.

it's mid-september. it still amazes me that a lot of people still tour cape cod during the off season. i took a drive the other day to clear my mind. i just kept on driving and allowed the road to lead me to my destination. i wanted to get lost. my mood at the time was my compass...wherever it felt going. i just wanted to get away from the property, that's all. though i was probably just wasting gas, driving made me reflect on my life these past several years. i feel as though not much has changed in my life. i've been following the same schedule every year since i've graduated college. sure the money is good but what good is money if you're not living life to the fullest. that's how i feel right now. there's so many sights and sounds in the world i have yet to experience. yet, i sit here behind in cape cod...feeling as though as my life is passing me by. it's too slow paced down here. the relaxed cape cod atmosphere forces people to "take it easy" here...while me on the other hand, i like the hustle and bustle. i want my life to be lived on a fast track.

i would have never imagined myself being in this position if you had asked me in high school. given all this, i'm still okay with this. i just need to vent sometimes. after all, it is a half year gig . i did eventually get lost driving but it was a beautiful thing though. cape cod is filled with many meandering roads and picturesque villages. i stopped by mayflower beach (my favorite) on the way back and smoked my last cigarette there. i took a big whiff of that sea salt air and walked toward the crashing waves. with all my might, i hurled my half pack of parliaments into the water and let the current take it away. far away. far away from me. the tossing of my cigarettes in the ocean symbolized the ending of the "smoking is cool" stage.

since jim went back to boston to "chill" for the weekend, i am alone working the front once again. it is nostalgic of the last 2 years working in the off season. rewarding but very boring. i am reminded of two goals i have set for myself last year. first was to lose weight and get back in shape and second was to quit cigs. it's been 1 year exactly since i looked at myself in the mirror and vowed these changes upon myself. tonight, exactly the same time as last year, i'm gonna look at myself in the mirror once again. will i like what i see in the mirror this time around?

aside from my boyish good looks, probably not.

so tonight... i will vow two more goals to complete this year. i'll do this every year, whatever it takes . . . until i am truly content.