kicking the habit...step 1

it seemed only yesterday when we hopped that fence. it was an unusually cold and bitter night during our high school days where the only thing on our minds was drinking. we didn't know it then but every time we hopped that fence, we left a part of our innocence behind on the other side of the fence. being underaged and all, we needed a secret spot where we can just kick it and drink and not be bothered by anyone. it was there behind the snow covered brush ... among the fallen pine needles on the ground where we found our comfort ... a place where we experimented with alcohol and put our young livers to the test ... a place where we would trade bullshit stories around about almost anything ... a place that lives in high school infamy... a place we like to call "the hill".

now, it was that night at "the hill" where i tried my first cigarette. i'm not even sure what prompted me to try smoking and even more clueless as to who provided me with butts that night. but you ask any smoker. no one tries to remember their first smoking experience. it's something we, smokers, try not to reminisice about. it's not something we're particularly proud of anyway. in fact, i dont know one smoker who doesn't wanna quit.

anyway, for as long as i can remember, i've always hated the smell of cigarette smoke. my dad used to smoke heavily and still does but has cut down dramatically over the years. kent 100's soft pack. i remember when me and my brother used to steal his cigarettes and destroy them, usually drenching them in water. but there i was that night, puffing away at a seemingly harmless marlboro menthol that got me hooked on nicotine still to this day.

it's not something i planned on either. i would much rather sit here and tell you that i'm smoke-free now. i want to tell you about being able to hustle up stairs, or that my clothes don't stink or how good food tastes, but in reality the biggest thing about being smoke-free, aside from physical health, is purely psychological - i want to be free from an addiction. i want my life not to revolve around smoking. that speaks louder than anything else.

you have to want it more than anything else. most people who smoke like smoking, even if they really can't see why anymore. the satisfaction factor for their cravings has earned the title of "something i like to do". and for a long time, it was something i did enjoy doing.

but all that is slowly changing for me. though i still continue to smoke and have those urges, i now have a strong desire to quit. it's just something i don't want in my life anymore. but i'm not going to start today or tomorrow or next week for that matter. the time is nearing soon though. i've been told by an exsmoker to take it one step at a time and that my friend, i am. as ironically pathetic as it sounds, this blog entry will be my first step in kicking the habit for good.