taking a step back...

have you ever taken a step back and asked yourself if this is right? sometimes when i can't sleep, i stay up at night just thinking and reflecting...analyzing and plotting my next move.

since i last wrote in this blog, i didnt have a gf. now i do. prior to all that, i was single for quite some time. i guess i was too picky or maybe the field just had slim pickings...perhaps i was still hopelessly fantasizing about some dream girl. for a while there, i was just down in the dumps. what kept me going was the hope that one day i could actually find someone i could really love and cherish. i remember going to the clubs and bars and coming back thinking how shitty tonight was. a lot of the times the girls we encountered were really busted, and i was thinking to myself i wish i could really fastforward time and find my wife. i would rather spend my time spoiling and cherishing a girl i really like rather than these hoes. i'll be honest...i've never really had a serious relationship with anyone, and i really wanted to change that about myself. it's not that i cant settle down...it's really because i havent found that person to settle down with.

4 years later and hopefully somewhat wiser, i feel like i'm still stuck in the same rut. yet a bit deeper... now held down and trapped by a little thing called a relationship. i now have a gf who really likes me but can i reciprocate the same feelings towards her? can i settle down with a girl who i know isnt the one? have you ever felt the same way? am i just settling? am i just wasting my time? it's funny...i have money and with that, comes with some power. yet, i try falling asleep every night thinking i'm the lonliest and weakest person alive.

HELP!

if there is a God out there, please watch over my family. i will be forever in your debt.

comfortable

sleeping 12 hours straight without interuption never felt so good :)

i am a beast that cannot be controlled anymore. it's becoming so clear to me what needs to be done.

*last week in the cape*** piece of cake.

Has anyone ever tried dog before?

*WiReD*

back from foxwoods! happy birthday zid! how old are you again? haha, blackjack tables gave me a good butt kicking last night. nevertheless, definitely good times with my new york boys ...too bad i have no pics to prove it. anyway, got back to the cape at 6:30am, and i'm already back into circulation at 8:30am. i am very wired today... so don't fuck with me!

*current mood: feeling the effects of unsatisfactory sleep

1st attempt: FAIL

3 weeks gone without a cig... then 1 night i had a cig ... my head got dizzy and now im afraid im fucking hooked again!!!

i'm convinced the urge to smoke never goes away...

1st attempt (09/03/2008 ~09/25/2008): 22 days
lesson learned: cold turkey is hard but not impossible.

2nd attempt (date to be announced later): ???

*yea i know what you're thinking...weak sauce huh?

well, F U !

what i wouldnt give to smoke a delicious, mouth watering cigarette right now? just one juicy puff to calm me down... AHHH...

driving in circles.

it's mid-september. it still amazes me that a lot of people still tour cape cod during the off season. i took a drive the other day to clear my mind. i just kept on driving and allowed the road to lead me to my destination. i wanted to get lost. my mood at the time was my compass...wherever it felt going. i just wanted to get away from the property, that's all. though i was probably just wasting gas, driving made me reflect on my life these past several years. i feel as though not much has changed in my life. i've been following the same schedule every year since i've graduated college. sure the money is good but what good is money if you're not living life to the fullest. that's how i feel right now. there's so many sights and sounds in the world i have yet to experience. yet, i sit here behind in cape cod...feeling as though as my life is passing me by. it's too slow paced down here. the relaxed cape cod atmosphere forces people to "take it easy" here...while me on the other hand, i like the hustle and bustle. i want my life to be lived on a fast track.

i would have never imagined myself being in this position if you had asked me in high school. given all this, i'm still okay with this. i just need to vent sometimes. after all, it is a half year gig . i did eventually get lost driving but it was a beautiful thing though. cape cod is filled with many meandering roads and picturesque villages. i stopped by mayflower beach (my favorite) on the way back and smoked my last cigarette there. i took a big whiff of that sea salt air and walked toward the crashing waves. with all my might, i hurled my half pack of parliaments into the water and let the current take it away. far away. far away from me. the tossing of my cigarettes in the ocean symbolized the ending of the "smoking is cool" stage.

since jim went back to boston to "chill" for the weekend, i am alone working the front once again. it is nostalgic of the last 2 years working in the off season. rewarding but very boring. i am reminded of two goals i have set for myself last year. first was to lose weight and get back in shape and second was to quit cigs. it's been 1 year exactly since i looked at myself in the mirror and vowed these changes upon myself. tonight, exactly the same time as last year, i'm gonna look at myself in the mirror once again. will i like what i see in the mirror this time around?

aside from my boyish good looks, probably not.

so tonight... i will vow two more goals to complete this year. i'll do this every year, whatever it takes . . . until i am truly content.

it's been 5 days since i had my last cigarette. i feel like beating someone up.

nyc for h-dawg's bday

it's finally september. things are starting to slow down but that's as expected. i just came back from a much needed break. now i'm energized to finish up this season the right way. so me and zid went down to nyc over labor day weekend for harry's birthday. it's been a while since i last saw my college friends, probably years. sometimes i wish we could relive those allston street days. those were some good times. i remember waking up on saturday mornings, hungover and birds chirping near the windows. i would just go to the living room to watch some tv. as always from the night before, the living room table would be covered with empty beer bottles and chinese take-out. man, did we party like wild animals back in the days. as i would lay there on the couch flipping channels, i would just remember how the rest of the guys would slowly wake up from their drunken somber and convene in the living room. we were so young, energetic, and so eager to have fun. that's what i miss about allston street the most. it was those chats we used to have in the living room, where we would just shoot the shit and crack jokes about the funniest shit. i thought of this on our way down, and it made me even more excited to go see the boys. because of the traffic and our gambling urges, we decided to take a slight detour to foxwoods. though we both came out winners, i came to the realization that i really do suck at poker but fuckin' nasty in blackjack. we stayed for only a mere 3 hours and we left with smiles and a gambling high that would last until we arrived in nyc. we sped like speedy racer until we got to our destination at midnight. nyc is just as i remembered it: busy, unfriendly, and dark and bright at the same time. we went clubbing the first night. by the time me and zid actually got there, most of the guys were already fucked up beyond belief which proved to be a bummer. the club, however, was pretty decent.

the next few nights consisted of more or less the same stuff. sleeping in on the mornings. eating and shopping during the afternoons. on saturday night, we had a special steak dinner for harry's birthday. though times have fast forwarded like 4 years later, it's really good to know we can still chill like old times. just chilling and talking with them made me realize how much they have changed since allston. i mean, some of them are already married, expecting, and buying houses. hahaha...while i heard all this, i just sat there thinking...wow i'm not changed at all. though i had a really fun time in nyc, i drove back home with the realization that i need to get my shit together. anyway, i'll post a blog later about that. to my boys in nyc, good luck with the future and we'll meet up again to chill like old times for sure!!!

one puff and it's all up in smoke . . .

If you stand in one place long enough, the world will come to you.

it's always the quiet ones . . .

don't ever let someone know you are smarter than them. cherish your intelligence. let them think you are stupid. you know you're not. deep inside, you know you're smart, very smart. you know what your intelligence is capable of and how powerful of an advantage that is. but don't show them. don't ever show it. just like in poker, don't ever show your dealt hands. once you let someone know how truly smart you really are, you have already compromised your biggest strength to now your biggest vulnerability. people look smarter than you think. that's because they are. they really are smarter than you think.

China wins Gold!

China has the Olympic title it has long craved and everyone else expected. The Americans, meanwhile, won the bronze with a roster patched together at the last minute. Japan, the defending Olympic champion, won the silver.

China finished with 286.125 points, more than seven points ahead of Japan. That’s such a blowout the Chinese could have brought three fans in for the last event and still won. The Americans had 275.850.

China’s triumph was as much a vindication as a coronation. It ended a four-year journey built on the failures of Athens, and carried through a crucible of unfathomable expectations. The Chinese arrived at the Beijing Games as such overwhelming favorites that anything less than a spectacular gold-medal performance would not have been enough.

Mission accomplished—magnificently.

The failure 4 years ago fueled China, as did all those chants of “加油” that rang out throughout the arena yesterday night. And it sure was China's moment last night. Be proud.

sometimes i really hate myself.

08/08/08 08:08:08 PM beijing olympics opening ceremony

mad chinese pride yesterday night.

中国加油!

















加油! 加油! 加油!

what's a drunk night without late night wendy's?

kicking the habit...step 1

it seemed only yesterday when we hopped that fence. it was an unusually cold and bitter night during our high school days where the only thing on our minds was drinking. we didn't know it then but every time we hopped that fence, we left a part of our innocence behind on the other side of the fence. being underaged and all, we needed a secret spot where we can just kick it and drink and not be bothered by anyone. it was there behind the snow covered brush ... among the fallen pine needles on the ground where we found our comfort ... a place where we experimented with alcohol and put our young livers to the test ... a place where we would trade bullshit stories around about almost anything ... a place that lives in high school infamy... a place we like to call "the hill".

now, it was that night at "the hill" where i tried my first cigarette. i'm not even sure what prompted me to try smoking and even more clueless as to who provided me with butts that night. but you ask any smoker. no one tries to remember their first smoking experience. it's something we, smokers, try not to reminisice about. it's not something we're particularly proud of anyway. in fact, i dont know one smoker who doesn't wanna quit.

anyway, for as long as i can remember, i've always hated the smell of cigarette smoke. my dad used to smoke heavily and still does but has cut down dramatically over the years. kent 100's soft pack. i remember when me and my brother used to steal his cigarettes and destroy them, usually drenching them in water. but there i was that night, puffing away at a seemingly harmless marlboro menthol that got me hooked on nicotine still to this day.

it's not something i planned on either. i would much rather sit here and tell you that i'm smoke-free now. i want to tell you about being able to hustle up stairs, or that my clothes don't stink or how good food tastes, but in reality the biggest thing about being smoke-free, aside from physical health, is purely psychological - i want to be free from an addiction. i want my life not to revolve around smoking. that speaks louder than anything else.

you have to want it more than anything else. most people who smoke like smoking, even if they really can't see why anymore. the satisfaction factor for their cravings has earned the title of "something i like to do". and for a long time, it was something i did enjoy doing.

but all that is slowly changing for me. though i still continue to smoke and have those urges, i now have a strong desire to quit. it's just something i don't want in my life anymore. but i'm not going to start today or tomorrow or next week for that matter. the time is nearing soon though. i've been told by an exsmoker to take it one step at a time and that my friend, i am. as ironically pathetic as it sounds, this blog entry will be my first step in kicking the habit for good.

i want to do something RANDY today. something SICK RANDY.